So your writing sucks. Big Deal.

So you are a newbie writer and when you look at your first draft, you expected to read a medium article that is worthy of anyone’s time⁠ — concise, catchy, and filled with words of wisdom; but to your chagrin, all you find is a piece that resembles a teenager’s diary rant. Believe me, almost all of my published articles look like that. So, I understand.

One of the things I’ve noticed whenever I start to write is the equally strong need to stop writing, to silence myself. This doubt is what I wish to untangle in this article in the hopes that by the end of this, I’ll be able to understand why I operate this way.

It Starts With Shame

People feel shame in different ways. Some want to vomit. Some want to run and hide and some just want to forget whatever they’re ashamed about by drowning themselves in mindless activities. As for me, it’s a combination of any of these things, depending on the particular episode. Whenever I’m writing about something personal and meaningful, I always write with the aim of making it perfect. I have no idea whether this need to write perfectly is a universal human propensity or if it’s a symptom of my trauma as a child of disciplinarian Asian parents. Maybe both?

Shame usually rears its ugly head in my stomach, making me want to hurl the contents out. I don’t throw up but to ease this discomfort, I try to ignore it. Wrong move. By ignoring it, I’m continuously feeling awful. My heart starts to palpitate, doubts start plaguing my thoughts until I’m too confused, my writing falters.

Fear Breeds Mediocrity

Once my writing starts to hiccup, I am overrun with the impending sense of doom. This doom comes in the form of mediocrity. As a self-proclaimed overachiever, the fear of mediocrity is the bane of my existence. I simply cannot accept mediocrity in things that I am passionate about. That’s simply just how I’m wired.

Ends With Hopelessness

Mediocrity is that middle ground where you’re not producing poor quality content and neither are you creating excellent pieces. If you are like me who has a tendency to catastrophize, this is indeed a serious offense to the umpteenth degree. If I were a god-believer, living a life of mediocrity is hell-worthy (at this point, my ADHD brain has a 5-second space to grin internally. I always find god and religion funny.)

So going back to catastrophizing, it’s the tendency to think that the worst possible thing will happen in any scenario. In my case, the worst possible thing to happen to any of my writing is that it becomes mediocre. And because I have this unrealistic aim to avoid mediocrity, I end up disappointing myself. Regardless of the actual quality of my writing, I will always view it as inadequate. In my eyes, it will never be enough. This is why whatever satisfaction I usually feel after the small relieving waves brought about by catharsis, it’s always short-lived. My victories are shrouded in self-hate, and ends in hopelessness. Hopelessness in the sense that I always feel impaired as a writer by the end of each piece.

Key Takeaways

What I’ve discovered in this self-inquiry are the following:

1. Understanding the source of your fear is the first step. This can come in whatever form you are comfortable with. As a highly analytical person, I find it easier to go about this in a roundabout way by starting with my feelings. Feelings are your body’s way of giving you a hint of what the state of your mind is. Oftentimes, if I start my self-analysis through rigid rationalization, it turns out to be a futile attempt. My method is a lesson in gentleness. I try to be gentle with myself by feeling my emotions. I give them internal space to breathe and flow. As hard as it is, I try to sit with them and not try to change them. The easiest way to fight an enemy is to understand it, know its name. Sometimes you might discover, the enemy is a friend all along. So find a method of inquiry that works for you.
2. Focus on your body. I’m the kind of person most friends and family run to when they need a non-judgmental ear or someone to help them get through an anxiety episode. Maybe because they know that I of all people have suffered under the same demons. It’s quite funny if I think about the number people (my sister, classmates, friends) whom I have helped in some way but I can barely take my own advice. One of the tips that always worked on others and I’m trying to apply to myself more actively is focusing on the body instead of the mind. I’m such a mind-body person that no doubt when I do practice as a licensed psychologist someday, I will gravitate towards holistic healing techniques. So if you are starting to feel that self-doubt at the pit of your stomach, focus on it. Breathe and connect with each part of your body that feels uncomfortable. As what I would always say to my sisters and friends, “What the mind can’t fix, the body can ease” and this has always proven useful without fail.
3. So what now? Now that you’re calmer, your mind doesn’t magically become little miss sunshine of positivity where you can conquer all writing demons and now write like Hemingway. If it were that easy, I will be a best-selling author by now. At this point, you have to understand that your writing may or may not turn out adequate. And so what? Write anyway. No genius has been born without practice. Besides, ask yourself why you’re writing. Is it to prove that you are excellent or is it to understand yourself and others a little better? If you come to writing with the humility to learn and improve, you will have the courage to keep on writing even if you know your writing sucks.