Realizations after a conversation with a friend
There are numerous instances in our lives that serve as turning points or ‘aha moments’ where we make major changes in our lives. To me it comes in many forms. Many of them were achieved after deep introspection but some of them, I just stumble upon in the lips of other people, in the personal meaning I give to a books and movies, and sometimes even in a dark joke or meme!
One of the major realizations I’ve had lately is that my obsession with having children by the time I’m 32 is but a manifestation of society’s pressure on people. There aren’t a lot of things that I’d hate to admit more than the fact that some of my personal goals and values were formed because of or in reaction to societal pressures and norms. As someone who prides herself in her independence from normie culture, I find this realization repulsive. Yet, it’s a pill I have to swallow.
As I lazily stretched my legs on my lavender bed sheet, my friend on the other end of the line chuckled as she said, “It’s funny to see people who are in such a rush towards unhappiness.” By unhappiness, she meant having kids. I grinned because deep down I know that I’ve had this slow realization over the last month since I quit my job and had some time to recalibrate my life.
The last 6 months have been a marathon. I was juggling work and my Masters at the same time. I also forgot to take care of my mental and physical health. By being in the office, I socialized too much and disrespected my need for quiet and solitude. I also started eating unhealthy food which was sad considering I have kidney problems. I’ve ignored my kidney problems since January. Even now, I’m not doing anything about. I just hope that I can finally find some time to take care of my health. This was what the break is all about but it seems like I’m still struggling to make it everyday. Some days, I let my depression win. I could barely do anything except survive so I can live another day. Some days I just breathe and eat a bare minimum caloric diet because I don’t want to eat. Looking back at everything now, it’s clear I’m in a depressive episode this month whereas the first 4 months this year, I was in a state of hyper anxiety and mania. There were too many things happening in my life that I didn’t process my emotions anymore. That is the biggest mistake an INFJ like myself can make. Right now, I swear I’ll do my best to introspect and write down my thoughts. How else would I come to realize that I’ve already changed some of my life goals if I don’t make the time to check in with myself?
In our loud and busy world, the value of introspection is often overlooked. Introspection can lead to self-awareness and the lack of it results in a life not worth living. Somewhere at the back of my head, I can see Socrates smile in his grave as he murmurs, “the unexamined life is not worth living”.
