Here’s to us, James
You’re not on social media but I can bet my life that you are reading this or will read this. You stalk me more than you would care to admit or plan to do and that’s okay. Even after all this time, I’m still as fascinated and enthralled of how deeply we have connected in such a short time. Our connection — what a thing of beauty, don’t you think? It lives and breathes even after the love affair ended.
When a love affair ends with as much empathy and kindness as ours did, even the pain feels like a blessing. To know that we can feel this much for another person, to care this deeply about another (who is not our family) is a gift in itself. In the entirety of my dating life, all endings bring with it so much pain and bitterness; but this pain is beautiful.. I will wear it like my favorite shirt, sit with it, and become its friend. This pain helps me grow.
I know that one of these days, you will look out of your ginormous (this is your fave word) glass window from the 19th floor at 5:30 am and chuckle lightly as your eyes starts to water and your cheeks start to flush while remembering me in my yellow shirt screaming at it, “oh my god, it’s soooooooooo pretty!!!” And you will remember complaining how I’m always using the word “pretty” to describe it and how I should come up with other ways to describe it.
And I did find multiple ways to describe your sunrises over the months, didn’t I?
- “It’s blazing!”
- “It looks like it’s about to rain”
- “It’s about to cry”
- “It looks marvelous”
- “It’s wonderful”
- “It’s beautiful”
- “So magnificent!”
- “It’s ferocious!!!!!”
- “It’s angry today”
- “It’s too beautiful. I need to kick you out of your apartment so I can move in”
- “It looks like a good day for a walk”
- “It’s sunny! You should play basketball today.”
- “Beautiful clouds!!”
- “They’re so fluffy like your cheeks!”
- and so many more……………
But the day we decided to stop seeing each other, you would think that the best way to punctuate the ending would be a dark, gloomy cloud that promises a heavy downpour; but no, that day, the sun sat perfectly amongst the clouds. The sky is blue and the clouds looked heavenly. The only word we can best describe it is -hope.
And we did hope that day. As we both enumerated the goals we wanted to achieve after we stopped being in each other’s lives, we felt hopeful for ourselves and for each other. We even used the word “manifest” as cringey as it sounds. Lol.
“How poetic, you would love this ending”, you said this while grinning at me to which, I replied “no, you’re the one who feels the need to make things poetic. I may be outwardly more expressive and emotional but between the two of us, you’re more sentimental.”
You just looked at me in that “how-can-someone-know-me-so-well”-stare of yours and smiled your half-smile that over the months I’ve learned mean so much more than your full smiles.
Here I am, at 3:00 pm on a Monday afternoon in a warm coffeeshop gazing outside the street, a film reel of all my moments of you playing inside my head as I stare outside the window. I remember your hazel eyes, you going on and on about things you’re passionate about — I will never get tired of you talking endlessly about them even when I don’t understand half of the shit you’re talking about, you saying big words and you pointing out how much I love it when you do that, the peaceful look on your face when we nap on Sunday mornings after an hour or two of talking, the enthusiasm in your voice when we dissect a film after watching them on Saturday mornings, the mischievous sparkle in your eyes when you watch me get heated and aggressive trying to defend my point of view, the not too subtle look of admiration when I challenge your arguments and ideas… I also remember the disheveled, worn out look which I find charming whenever I catch you on an evening after a long day at work. I also remember the pained/confused look on your face when you try to describe an emotion you have no words for. I remember the many ways your eyes are able to communicate your feelings in ways that your words never could. I remember you eating a banana imitating a blow job (how childish). I remember your boring oatmeal breakfasts and your 5-minute showers. I remember the tiny red dots on your chest, I remember how your eyes turn golden (like a cat’s, I would say) and how your hair turns to this amazing sandy brown at golden hour. I remember how much you love the golden hour. I remember the sun kissing your entire body. I remember your kindness. I remember your patience. I remember your rationality. I remember your calmness. I remember your soul.
Today, I remember all that I can of you because I know one day, these little details that seem so dear to me now will slowly evaporate.
I’m drinking water right now or if you would say it “wadahh!”. I’d like to make a toast to our short and meaningful love affair — here’s to us, James. May we both grow and evolve into the persons we want to become.
