Happiness after you

Have you ever avoided your own thoughts, the days just blur together and become one big heap of unintelligible nothings? That’s how I felt in the last 3 months. From November 1, 2021 — January 2022. Since that day J and I said goodbye, I just escaped my feelings for him and of us ending; instead, I focused on my goals which was a good thing. I did accomplish a lot of things and I’m proud of myself.

December 16 came with a Super typhoon and afterwards, the devastation it caused in my city made me live life up to the barest minimum, focusing only on my basic needs + work, there wasn’t any time to reflect. But last week, electricity finally returned in my condo and after a week of recuperating from the craziness that was Dec-January, I finally felt the need to deal with my emotions and thoughts. I cannot put it off much longer.

Currently, these are the things bothering me:

1. Moving on from J.
2. Ending a toxic friendship.
3. Making sure I get enrolled in my Masters this week.
4. Making progress in my adulting goals.
5. Maybe finding another job.
6. Doing well in my current job.
7. Taking care of my health.

There are so many things on my mind. The best way to deal with all of them is one by one. First, James. It broke my heart how cold he messaged me to cancel our call but underneath the hurt and pain is a sigh of relief — he doesn’t have to occupy my life anymore now or in the future. I feel relieved knowing he’s in a relationship now. This barrier gives me clarity. It’s the clarity that my intuition has always known. Firstly, what was I even thinking falling for someone who lives in a different country in the midst of the pandemic travel restrictions? I did fall for him. I know that now and I’m happy just knowing that I’m capable of doing that. Whenever things end, I cope with it by hating the guy but I can’t do this now. I can’t use anger to deal with my shit. James treated me as best as he can, given our circumstances. It was a wonderful connection and I will always treasure it. It will always be the turning point for me when I stopped hating men. I will admit that. Perhaps one of the things that pushed him away from me was my hidden anger towards men in general but because of my experience with him, it’s like my subconscious has slowly warmed up to men, at the core, I have slowly built up positive associations with men and that I feel less unsafe with them as I did before. That’s a gift in itself and I accomplished that by putting myself out there and allowing myself to feel.

— —

These days, Taylor Swift’s “happiness” is on repeat on my Spotify. I think it’s the perfect song for us, James. It’s very honest. I can feel her pain and fury but also another layer of gratitude for whatever she had with the guy. Then another layer of her hoping to move on, to become a new person “I haven’t the new me yet”. Then in the line “I can’t make it go away by making you a villain” and indeed that’s true. That’s the most haunting part of love when it ends. You can’t move on by holding on to hate or blaming the other person, even if the other person have done some fault in some way; You move on by seeing everything for what it is — imperfect, made you happy, made you sad/feel pain. There’s duality in everything. In certain things, the balance tips to the other end much heavier than the other but there’s always, always opposing forces involved.

Right now, I’m aware that I’m hurt. I acknowledge that pain but I feel happy knowing that my heart though it’s hollow right now, slowly through time, it will have more space for more love, more compassion, more connections. And I’m excited for when that day comes. These days I spend my time connecting with people online. Is it healthy? Probably not but I probably did it because I know no other way to survive. Survive = ie avoid the ugliness of my emotions, perhaps because I wasn’t ready but now I am. Maybe I’m not but hey, I’m writing about it now so maybe i am a little. Maybe tomorrow, a little bit more. I’m taking my time to move on from you, James. I’m taking my time to get to know myself a little bit better too.

Everyday feels like a gift just having the chance to observe myself, a chance to make different choices, a chance to reinvent myself. I may not have this much luxury in the future when I’m older and have more responsibilities. So I will do my best to take this time to get to know myself better, to create myself.

And yes, James there was happiness because of you but I remember there was also happiness before you and there will be happiness after you.

I lay down our beautiful Saturdays and peaceful Sundays in a pretty package and store it at the back of my mind. It hurts a little now to open this little box of memories but I know someday, the pain will fade and it will be replaced by gratitude and self appreciation for all the lessons I chose to learn from this experience.

I never got to tell you but I loved you, James. Thank you for those brief months of happiness. I have never connected with anyone that way but I’m sure I will have even stronger, healthier, and deeper connections with someone else in the future.

But right now, let me wallow in my pain. I like feeling sadness, anyway. Ciao.